


gold in the wreckage

by orphan_account



Category: Silicon Valley (TV)
Genre: First Kiss, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, rated for language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-30
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:15:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23932906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Jared knows that this, right here, is that moment. He has fallen. He has taken the plunge. His head is below the water, and he’s holding his breath.
Relationships: Jared Dunn/Richard Hendricks
Comments: 3
Kudos: 51





	gold in the wreckage

Twice. Jared has been in love twice. 

So he recognizes the feeling; in fact, he can see it from a mile away. It doesn't sneak up on him out of nowhere. He knows, knows, that when he fixes Richard's ties before investor meetings, or when he tries to comfort Richard after a vomit-inducing bout of anxiety— he knows he's only catalyzing it. He knows it's unprofessional to feed into this crush on his boss, but it's not like he plans on acting on it at any point in time. 

First of all, if he did act on it, HR would have to get involved and… well, given that he is HR that complicates that. Second of all, he knows where Richard's priorities lie, and he knows his own as well. They both want Pied Piper to succeed. Doing anything to jeopardize that would be stupid on his part. 

He considers the return on investment. He, Jared, has invested so much into this company. Not financially, no, but he has worked his butt off on business plans, financial models, strategy documents, and more. He gave up his job at Hooli and the salary and benefits that came with it. All of that would be for nothing if he acted on his feelings. Things could potentially go terribly awry, and he could lose his own job and potentially put Pied Piper in jeopardy. 

Richard might be the captain of this ship, but he, Jared, is the helmsman. He steered Richard's business plan way back when Richard called him, voice uncertain, and admitted that he needed Jared's help. He guided them off-course when he bought all those click farm users. And the fact is, a boat needs someone to navigate it through waters both smooth and choppy, and Jared has in many ways been that someone. 

Perhaps he's putting a little too much importance on his own usefulness. It's not like business development knowledge is a rarity to come by. Richard's genius certainly is, though. And isn't that more important than his blooming feelings? 

Jared has been in love twice. Has fallen in love twice. But look at it this way: Jared has fallen out of love twice. And so the logical conclusion of this pattern is that, yes, he will fall in love with Richard (is already falling in love with Richard) but eventually he will fall out of it. And, sure, it's a bit uncomfortable to have such strong feelings and not be allowed to convey them to the object of his affections (by his own boundaries and rules). Still, it's not like it's the end of the world. 

Besides, Jared thinks the likelihood of Richard returning Jared's feelings is slim to none. Any hints to the contrary, Jared chalks up as more likely his reading too much into the situation. It wouldn't be the first time he's read too much into Richard's eyes lingering on him for what may seem just a moment too long. He doesn't think Richard has noticed how his own subtle actions like this have exacerbated Jared's problem. 

He thinks of Emily Dickinson. _"Hope" is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without words and never stops at all._

He wonders whether she knew, when she wrote that, how dangerous and leeching the thing called "hope" could be. He wants to hope that Richard might feel the same about him, might be headed in the same direction, that they might fall together. But eyes lingering is flimsy evidence at best. The rational part of his brain knows better.

So it's decided. Jared will not jeopardize anything for a reason so selfish as this, especially when any evidence that Richard returns the feelings is flimsy at best. He inhales, deeply, and then exhales the whole breath out, stands, and tells himself he feels more sure of himself than he has in a while. He can be happy with being Pied Piper's helmsman. (Another part of his brain says, "Lie," and it sounds oddly like Gilfoyle.)

#

Now that Jared has accepted his fate, it is easier. Richard hasn't seemed to notice that Jared's eyes follow the path of Richard's hand when he fusses with the collar of his shirt or rubs at his neck. He hasn't seemed to notice Jared's slight frown when Richard's lips are pressed so tightly together, giving away how stressed he is. He hasn't seemed to notice that Jared has been more careful, more deliberate when choosing his words around Richard. To Richard. 

In all honesty, there was a time when Richard barely noticed Jared's presence at all, so he's not entirely surprised that Richard has not seen Jared's feelings. Feelings he hasn't acted on but hasn't exactly gone out of his way to hide lately. For what does he need to hide them? Richard will not pick up on them— this much Jared is sure of— and if any of the other guys notice they certainly won't say anything to Richard. They may tease Jared, and he's considered the possibility of them teasing him in front of Richard. Still, he can't really see Richard figuring this out even with such an obvious situation as that. 

Because Jared knows that Richard's mind— his beautiful, genius mind— works on algorithms non-stop. Richard has been known to get up in the middle of the night, turn on his computer, and fix a bug that he just figured out as he was falling asleep. Those programming gears continually turning in his brain.

Still, he thinks even when Richard might be thinking about something other than the puzzle that is the Pied Piper algorithm, he is not thinking of Jared. At least, not like that. 

He hopes, at the very least, that Richard considers Jared a friend. He knows, though, that even this is asking a lot. 

And perhaps it's the meager chances of Richard figuring out Jared's feelings that allow him to take his time. His long fingers working slowly, gently, deliberately to fix Richard's tie. He adjusts it, leaning back slightly to make sure it's centered. It is, but he lets his hands linger for a moment longer, pretending to readjust it slightly. He squints at the tie (even though he's thinking about Richard's eyes on his hands, on his own face. He wants to keep Richard's attention like this, maybe forever.) At length, he glances up to meet Richard's gaze, smiles, sheepish, and says, "Looks good." 

"Uh," Richard says, "thanks."

For a long moment, they stand like that, just staring at each other. Jared knows that this, right here, is that moment. He has fallen. He has taken the plunge. His head is below the water, and he's holding his breath. 

Richard steps backward and says, "I should— uh— I should go to the— the—" 

Jared's hands fall to his sides. "Right, of course," he says, stepping out of the way. 

The front door opens, closes. 

He can feel Dinesh and Gilfoyle's gazes on him as he returns to his laptop. He can hear their chairs shift as they look back at their computers. They say nothing, but he knows that they know now and, well, it's not the end of the world. He has been in love before. Twice. He can handle himself even with these other forces at play.

As for Richard, well, Richard stepped backward. 

#

"Richard," he says, calling through the bathroom door. He knocks. Again.

The sound of vomiting. Again. 

The toilet flushes, and then he hears the sound of the door unlocking. And then it's opening. And then Richard turns, stepping back inside, and Jared— dutiful, loyal as always to his captain (does it make a difference that he, the helmsman, happens to be in love with said captain?)— follows. He sits on the edge of the pink bathtub. Richard kneels. He leans his cheek against the toilet seat. Jared sympathizes.

Richard does not vomit again, and a few minutes pass, the two of them silent but present. 

Jared has to ask, "What happened? Why—" 

"Jared, don't," Richard says, not bothering to move his head from it's resting place. 

"Don't what?" Jared asks. "I don't understand. Everything seemed fine, and—" 

Richard shifts and Jared shuts his mouth. Richard turns to face him, his blue-grey eyes meeting Jared's for a moment. Studying Jared. Jared shifts uncomfortably, breaking the eye contact. Richard, too, looks away when he speaks. "Why are you doing this?" 

Jared frowns, can feel his eyebrows pulling together. He thinks he knows what Richard is talking about. But he has to be sure before he says something stupid. Something that outs his harbored feelings. "I don't understand," he says. "I've always— You're my captain. Pied Piper's captain." 

Richard lets out a long, audible exhale. Jared bites his lip, finally meeting Richard's gaze again. "So this is just— it's just about— it's Pied Piper." 

Jared nods. "Of course. Well, I mean, I do care about you, Richard, if that's what you're asking." 

"Right but like—" Richard presses his lips together, and a huff of breath escapes his nose. 

Jared tilts his head, patiently waiting for him to get the words out. Something is frustrating Richard. And Jared still doesn't know what caused the vomiting.

They had been sitting together, Jared going over the latest DCF valuation for the company, line-by-line so Richard would understand it. Investors wanted to see this type of thing from time to time— well, investors who understood the complexities of such a model anyway— to make sure that they weren't losing money. Jared turned from the screen, angling his torso toward Richard and asked, "Does this make sense? You don't have any questions?" And Richard opened his mouth, looked from Jared to the valuation and back, and then lurched from his seat and ran toward the bathroom. 

"You— care about me but like— but like what does that mean?" 

"I don't know how to make it more clear than that, honestly," Jared replies. 

"It's just that— you're so— you're—" Richard shakes his head, blinking a few times. He pauses again. Takes a breath again. Glances toward the toilet like he's debating whether he needs to lean over it. "Like— you care because— because I'm— Pied Piper—" 

"I hope I'm not too presumptuous when I say this, Richard, but I care because I consider you a close friend." 

"Close— friend," Richard says, not meeting Jared's eye. He frowns. 

Jared wants to reach out, smooth out the skin between Richard's eyebrows with his thumb. He holds his breath until he can quench that desire, and then he says, "Perhaps that was too presumptuous of me?" 

"No— I— no, that's— close friends. Yeah, we're—" And then in one movement he turns back to lean over the toilet and vomits once more. 

If Richard were not the kind of person to shrug away from hugs, from touches of comfort, Jared would, now, gently rub his back. Instead, he sits with his elbows on knees, hands folded together, watching and waiting as Richard flushes the toilet. 

"Is this happening because of me?" Jared asks. "The—" He motions at Richard and the toilet. 

Slowly, before he says anything, Richard takes a deep breath. "Jared, I think you should go home for the day."

"But—" 

"Jared." Richard sounds exasperated. Annoyed. 

And yeah, Jared knows he can be a lot, but he's only trying to help. Although if his attempts are unsuccessful, then it's not as if staying here will make them any better. Richard does not want him here. Richard does not want him. So he will go home.

After all, Jared is not one to disobey his captain's orders. 

#

"Jared," Dinesh says, "What did you do to Richard?" 

"What did I—"

"We know all about the two of you," Gilfoyle says without turning from his computer, "so don't bother denying it." 

Jared stops tapping at his own keyboard and looks up from the Excel file he has open. He looks up at both of them. "I can honestly say, I don't know what you're talking about."

"Richard was a nervous wreck after you left yesterday. He wouldn't stop—" Dinesh gestures back and forth with his hand. "— pacing. And, you know, biting his nails like he does." 

"It was seriously fucked up," Gilfoyle says. 

"F-fricked up?" Jared asks. 

"Jared," Dinesh says, "Richard isn't the best at reading people. His social skills are— lacking." 

Even Jared finds this to be an understatement.

"That happens when you don't have room in your brain for anything but compression algorithms," Gilfoyle says.

"Right," Dinesh agrees, "But, I mean, he's not completely devoid of feelings. Right?" He doesn't sound entirely sure himself.

"I'm sure that's not the case," Jared replies. 

"Of course you are," Gilfoyle says. 

Jared still isn't quite sure what this is about. Richard was a nervous wreck before Jared left. "I only left early yesterday because Richard told me to."

Gilfoyle blinks. Dinesh narrows his eyes. "He told you to leave." 

Jared nods because he can't tell whether it's a statement or a question.

Gilfoyle and Dinesh exchange a glance. They've always had this wordless communication between the two of them. It's the sort of platonic intimacy that Jared has never experienced, and longs for deeply. Perhaps that's what he feels for Richard, and he's been misinterpreting it this whole time? _Donald, you really have a lot of work to do on yourself._ He should probably start seeing his therapist again. This is the sort of thing she's supposed to help with.

He realizes, without having to consider for too long, that this isn't the case. He has been in love. Twice. And, yes, this third time is different than the two times before it because it's Richard, and Richard is different.

"I hate to get involved in something like this," Dinesh says.

"Lie," Gilfoyle points out

Dinesh ignores him. "You two need to just bang already so we can get back to things not being so weird around here."

"Yeah, you guys have to break the tension."

"I'm sorry," Jared says, "Why are you saying this all to me and not—"

"Are you serious, Jared?" Dinesh asks, "Do you honestly think Richard would be able to sit here and listen to us tell him he needs to have sex with you, Jared, for the sake of the company? Without spontaneously combusting?"

Spontaneous combustion might be an exaggeration, but Dinesh definitely has a point. Richard would not take a conversation like this lightly. But—

"Wait a minute," Jared says, "Are you saying that Richard has feelings for me?"

"Did you seriously not know that?"

Jared ponders this. He thinks if anyone knows what Richard's affections look like, it's probably those closest to him. And, well, maybe that would be Big Head, but Jared actually doesn't know Big Head all that well, and Dinesh and Gilfoyle must be close in the race. And he doesn't trust them to not fuck with himself or Richard. But Dinesh's eyebrows aren't raised in that conspiratorial way it gets when he plans something out with Gilfoyle. And anyway, what if they're right? What his plan to keep Pied Piper safe actually ends up being what jeopardizes it? Perhaps he should clear the air.

#

Jared pushes the door of Richard's bedroom open. Richard, noise-canceling headphones on, jumps at the movement in his peripheral vision, and the frantic typing suddenly stops. He pulls off his headphones and turns to face Jared. 

"Do you have a moment?" Jared asks him

"I— yeah, uh. What do you need, Jared? My signature on something or—" Richard must know this isn't the case, as Jared has no documents in his hands.

"Actually, no. I was hoping to discuss a personal matter."

Jared, watching for a reaction, sees the bob of Richard's Adam's apple as he swallows. He taps his fingers on the edge of his desk and then says, "Yeah, uh, sure. What's up?"

Pulling the door closed behind him, Jared steps further into Richard's room. "I don't want to freak you out, Richard," Jared starts, which, as soon as he says it, realizes might not be the best preamble. He shakes his head. "Have things been strange between us lately? After you told me to leave yesterday, I—"

"That— that wasn't your fault," Richard says, "That was just me being, y' know, me."

"Richard," Jared says, carefully, trying not to startle the other man, "can I be honest with you? I don't think you were nervous-vomiting because of the DCF I was showing you. It wasn't a surprising number that the model spat out— in fact, it was exactly within the range we expected— and you've never done that before when we've talked about that sort of thing."

Richard tenses. Jared can see it in the way he purses his lips, the way the muscles around his jaw tighten. Richard's hand finds its way to his neck, and he sucks on his teeth, and after a long time, he says, "So, what, Jared, what do you— what are you saying. Because if this is about that, then I'm not— it isn't. What you think." He pauses. "What exactly is it that you think?"

Jared, feeling very uncomfortable here, standing over Richard as he looks like a cornered animal with poor posture sitting in a desk chair, takes a seat on Richard's floor. Richard watches him, looking confused.

"The guys are saying that there's tension between us. You and me, I mean."

"The guys?" Richard asks. His eyes flicker to the door and then back to Jared. "What tension? There's no tension. Everything's cool. We're cool. Close— close friends and all that. Right?"

"Richard, I need to tell you something," Jared says.

Richard gives him a look reminiscent of a deer in headlights.

"I love you," he says, "Richard, I am in love with you, actually. Perhaps it's selfish of me to say so, but there it is."

Richard's expression freezes. For a moment, Jared thinks he will be stranded at sea. That he has taken the plunge and now, with no life preserver, he will be left to drown. Or be eaten by a shark. (Side note— this ship metaphor is starting to bring up very uncomfortable memories of Arallon for him.) He holds his breath and waits for Richard to respond. But the CPU in Richard's brain must be frozen because he still hasn't said anything, still hasn't changed his expression, still hasn't looked away from Jared with those blue-grey eyes. The color of the sea on a cloudy day, he thinks, and then he shakes his head because he really needs to stop with the sea thing.

"Richard, I—"

Richard surges from his desk chair. He trips over his own feet, and Jared sees the moment his knee connects with the ground, and he cringes. Richard swears. 

Jared's going to offer to get him some ice. He wants to say, 'Don't worry, Richard, it's nothing too serious, but might it be prudent to keep your leg elevated on some pillows?'

But then Richard's hands, his shaking hands, are on Jared's shoulders. (And Jared is more than happy to be the thing on which Richard steadies them.) And his eyes, his blue-grey eyes, are looking at Jared. Or no, not at him, looking into him. Into his soul. Into his heart, the one that was in his chest but which he laid bare only moments ago for Richard.

"You're in love with me," Richard says, voice cracking at the end like he's not sure himself whether he's stating this or asking. "You said— that's what— that's what you said?" 

Jared thinks he recognizes the look in Richard's eyes. Or hopes he does. "Hope," the thing with feathers, that dangerous thing.

Richard has not said anything about his own feelings yet. But Jared has, and to deny them now would only be cowardly, so he says, "Yes." 

Richard is gripping Jared's shoulders, gripping them so tightly like he might disappear. Might fade into nothing. And, sure, Jared may have a ghostlike complexion, but he is alive. He is real. He is here, and he is not going anywhere. He brings one of his own hands gently to Richard's shirt. Barely touching his ribcage through the fabric. Only enough to let Richard know _I'm here I'm here I'm here._

"I think I— I love you. Too." 

Neither of them moves. 

At length, Jared speaks. "Richard," he asks, "may I— may I kiss you?" 

Rather than answer the question with a yes or no, Richard's mouth finds Jared's. Their noses bump together on the first try, and Jared can't help but let out a delighted giggle. 

And when their lips finally, finally touch, Jared has never felt so alive.

**Author's Note:**

> title song: [mine - phoebe ryan](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2fsdNJAzLuU)
> 
> * * *
> 
> so i've been rewatching silicon valley and started reading fics of these two which was a mistake because then i couldn't STOP reading fics of these two, and then i had like a single sentence in my head and sometimes you just have to leap after your creative impulses i guess.
> 
> anyway this is entirely self-indulgent but i hope you liked it anyway?


End file.
